Afraid

I find that if you ask a person what they're afraid of, you usually tend to get similar responses. They'll probably tell you something like spiders, heights, the dark, or maybe even something a little more odd like clowns, or feet. I, however, consider these phobia's. Usually they are slightly irrational and we seemingly tend to avert away from them for the soul reason that they make us a little uncomfortable or throw us off. Despite this, we call them fears.

But they aren't.

I like to think that a fear is much different than a phobia. It's something rooted deep within us. Something we hide away and aren't quick to tell everyone we meet. Fear is a feeling. It goes beyond dislikes and discomforts, and truly makes us quake. You can kill a spider, you can climb a mountain, you can go to the circus and see a clown show, and you'll be okay. But real fears aren't so easily passible.

I don't usually like to admit my fears, but I think it's a necessary way to try to move past them, or at least make them seem not so scary. And although it's scary to admit to the world my greatest fear, I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

So what am I afraid of? Well, I'm afraid of people. Not human beings in general, but what they're capable of.

I'm afraid of letting people get to know me, because opening up and letting people in allows them to get close to me. To see me beyond what's on the surface or what I put forth. To see my insecurities and my flaws. To really know who I am as a person. And this isn't so much scary to me because I don't want people to know who I am, but because with this information I'm giving them the key to the one thing that I fear the most;

I'm giving them the power to hurt me.

I have been hurt too many times to count. By friends, old flames and even family, and all of this hurt has chipped away at my heart so much that I no longer want to let anyone in it.

Strangers words or insults mean nothing to me. Sticks and stones to say the least. But it's when someone who you know and care about takes a shot at you or does something terrible that one can become very affected.

And It's because of this that I put up walls. That I'm standoffish, or cynical, or maybe even a little bit bitchy. That I've stopped letting people get to know me. That I push people away. Because I don't think I can bear to be hurt by anyone I truly care about again.

I live in constant fear that anyone who I open up to is going to turn around and stab me in the back, or twist my words around, or reaffirm my insecurities. And let me tell you, it's a terrible way to live.

I need to believe that there are still genuinely good people in the world. People who care, people who want to get to know me for the right reasons, people who are honest and trustworthy and have a bright spirit. I want to open up more easily, and to let people know me. I need to stop living in fear, and start letting people get to know the real me.

Phobia's can be overcome, it's true fears that seem nearly impossible to conquer.

But I've learned that it's always worth it to try.

So I'm going to conquer my fear. And open my heart. And show the world all of the love that I am capable of. Because I shouldn't let a fear overshadow the light that's inside of me.

I'm afraid of being hurt.

But it is this hurt that has made me the person I am today.

Your fears are what makes you stronger. So fight against them.

You might just end up learning that you're a lot stronger than you thought you were.